Helyna L. Clove

I read this novel for The Self-Published Science Fiction Competition, SPSFC. The following review is my own personal opinion as a judge and does not reflect the views of the team as a whole. Find out more about the competition here and my team, The Space Girls, here, and read all my reviews for the competition here!

Jeanne said she wouldn’t date Ren if he were the last man on Earth. Unfortunately, he had the technology to test her claim.

Dejected programmer Ren “Zero” takes notes after uploading his brain into a supercomputer, using his memory to recreate his past. He sets the world in motion and watches his simulated self go through many steps he has taken in his reality:
– Buying a stolen brainscanner from punkish technologist Jeanne in exchange for getting her hired;
– Getting dragged to a queer cafe to play tabletop RPGs with Jeanne’s trans friends;
– Having the best time of his life playing a female character there, for unknown and mysterious reasons;
– Asking Jeanne out in a storm of confused signals and emotions.

That’s when Zero deletes everyone from the simulation except Ren and Jeanne. Now wandering together through the empty city, Ren and Jeanne must work together to find the truths behind their baffling reality, while Zero subtly manipulates their world to achieve his desired ends. In order to defy the controller’s plans, Ren must outsmart his real-world counterpart by finally confronting the fundamental truths that even the all-powerful controller could not compute…

The sample of Our Simulated Selves was one of my two big favourites from the scouting phase of SPSFC, and I was eager to return and read the entire book. I was immediately so intrigued by simulated Ren’s struggles around his insecurities and self-image, and the development of the relationship between him and Jeanne while trying to organize his reverse brain-scanner heist in order to use his workplace quantum computer to analyse his own mind and find what’s really wrong with him. There are many things one can infer as we are introduced to Jeanne’s queer friends, experience Ren’s dissociations and anxiety attacks, and hear his inner narration about his feelings for Jeanne…plus, of course, there was real-life Ren, or Zero, who watched over it all with a detached, almost bitter disposition. And when he deleted all other people from the simulation, leaving only Ren and Jeanne, things were just starting to get weird.

But y’all, I did not see coming how weird this is exactly going to get. I looked forward to and expected some of the revelations, and some others found me completely clueless and mindblown. It’s really hard to write about the plot without giving anything important away, so I really advise everyone who is interested already to go in it without knowing anything, but for me, the twists and turns gave the exact feeling I look for in a sci-fi themed around identity, brainscanning, and virtual worlds. I was reeling from it right to the last page. On the other hand, the emotional impact of Ren’s journey did not go out of focus either for a second: his emotions and gradual comprehension of himself, Jeanne, and the world is the star of the show, intricately entwined with the science-fiction elements of the book. I enjoyed getting to know his different versions and felt each emotional crisis of his with such sharpness – although it is describing a specific arc (involving the trans experience) it is so, so relatable in many ways, and its tragedies and joys are so well-conveyed. At the same time, it plays smartly with themes and tropes like the incel and tech bro culture or the manic pixie dream girl trope as well, highlighting societal issues that influence our self-worth and the stories we tell to ourselves about ourselves. I think it maintained a perfect balance between bonkers sci-fi concepts, deep, emotional introspection, and interesting character relationships (and “interesting” is um…a serious load-bearing word in that sentence, haha). Queer sci-fi lovers will love this book, and readers of trans literature should also definitely pick it up.

Needless to say, the novel found a new fan in me. I loved how complex the story gets, all the highs and lows and devastations and euphorias, and although, very occasionally, maybe I was a bit lost in between the different layers, especially towards the finale, everything is well-explained, everything fits into its place, and the ending is nothing less than climactic. It’s such a ride and hits so deep. I’m grateful to this competition that I found this excellent read, and I think it has a good chance to step forward in SPSFC. For me, a new favourite was born.

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